She’s Back and I’m Terrified

After 400 days to the day, my daughter walked back into her gym. A competitive gymnast who has been training with the same gym since the week before she turned 3, this has been a long year. We are privileged in the sense that the hardest decision we had to make during the pandemic was not related to jobs security, hunger, or even health (beyond keeping ourselves from COVID). Our hardest choice was not allowing our daughter to return to her gym to train when they reopened in June. My husband and I knew COVID was just beginning. We knew the spike would come and the health of our family wasn’t something we were willing to risk, especially because our jobs allowed us the luxury to work from home and distance. At first, we made case rates dropping our marker of when she’d go back. Then, with the announcement of the vaccine, we decided to wait until our household was vaccinated. By the end of March, the adults of our household were vaccinated and our local case count had dropped considerably, to an infection rate percentage of 1.4%. Still, we wondered “should we just wait until she’s vaccinated?” But she’s 10, there is no vaccine being publicized for her age. How long can we keep her from her life? It’s not just the training. It’s about mental health. We’ve kept her physically safe, but she’s 10 years old and hasn’t seen a single friend in person for almost 14 months. She hasn’t shown any signs of a mental health crisis, but even if she isn’t showing anything, this has to have taken a toll on her. It was a difficult and scary choice, but my husband and I decided her mental health and emotional health are worth the risk. She is so happy. She’s had two one on one sessions with her coach and we are all shocked (and relieved) that her daily solo workouts EVERY SINGLE DAY for 400+ days now paid off. She not only kept all her skills but learned enough her skills to advance to the next level. I know her coach is shocked. I don’t think she really believed that a kid would work hard enough on her own to keep in shape. I know my daughter is very proud and very relieved to know she can compete again. And the timing is perfect - the new season starts in May, so she’ll begin in a new level with other girls she knows who also leveled up. She never acted unhappy during quarantine, but since going back, she’s seemed lighter and happier. Still, the two times she went were one on one. The beginning of May will see her going back full time, three practices a week for ten hours a week of practice. I’m happy they’re letting her keep her mask on and that the coaches are wearing masks but I’m still nervous. It’s so hard to send your kid into a situation that may lead them to contract a deadly illness. But it’s also so hard to keep your kid in a bubble. I never in a million years imagined I’d have kept my child home for 400 days. I’m a public school teacher, I’m the first person to tell you the importance of socialization. But in a pandemic, I guess my mothering deep instinct to my child overpowered anything else. I hope and pray with everything in me that we don’t regret allowing her to go back. I hope we are turning a corner in CA and that a vaccine for kids arrives soon so I can feel slightly more relaxed.

April 19, 2021

Kathryn Jue

Kathryn Jue

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